I don't know what went wrong in the install (I literally just installed SMF a couple of hours ago, and just installed this theme), but what on earth do I do with this? I can't even get into the admin panel to uninstall....

I see now that this is an SMF 2 theme, and my host installed 1.1.13. Is there any way I can kill this theme without uninstalling SMF?
Hi, welcome to SMF. :)
Adding ?theme=1 to the url to your forum should get the default theme to load so you can remove that theme.
Good grief. Thank you so much!
Did that work for you?